Defensive Narcissism

Has narcissism been given a bad rap?

We all know what narcissism is, and it’s bad. A brief definition makes grim reading.

An excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance. Is characterised by vanity, self-adulation, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centredness, and manipulativeness. Narcissism involves selfishness, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, a need for admiration, and desire for power over others.

It’s a handy concept and a handy word. So and so is a narcissist. End of argument; we know So and so is a bad person, shallow, conceited, uncaring. Narcissists are toxic and destructive people you don’t want in your life.

The story of Narcissus is generally well-known and it's a neatly moralistic cautionary tale, teaching that exclusionary love for oneself or self-image, is a bad thing. But this is a rather simplistic and reductionary, almost sanctimonious moral to draw from this tale. Furthermore, it’s interesting that the character who gives his name to a psychological disorder, and who is a shallow and unpleasant young man, should have inspired artists over the centuries. So, the story of Narcissus and the disorder that bears his name, merit a closer look.

Artistic portrayals of Narcissus usually depict him as a handsome young man (Dali's extraordinary version notwithstanding). Therefore he is not delusional, misguided or brainwashed. His perception of himself is grounded in the truth. How he deals with that truth is the issue. The image presents a seductive truth because it is simple, and it is a representation, a narrowing down of perception. As he gazes raptly, Narcissus is frozen in time. This is a kind of death, and he does eventually die. The image is frozen and Narcissus does nothing with it but look. His relationship with the image is passive and static. For me this is a more generative reading of the myth. Narcissus' failure to do anything about the image other than stare is his failure to use the image to develop his sense of self and grow beyond the superficiality of his conceit.

The common view of narcissism is incomplete. Any arrogant self-centred person might well be called a narcissist. This person may have a shallow and fixed image of their own superiority. Such superiority may be real but without integrating it into one's character it remains a fragile and ossified state. It also becomes ugly. Think of so many celebrities, politicians, sports stars and the like. More recently woke activists and acolytes, howling their mantras and slogans, appear transfixed into semi-zombiedom by the ideologies they gaze longingly at, mistaking these for their identities.

But there is another form of narcissism, more productive, opening up rather than closing down, character. This is defensive narcissism, using a self-image to bring about change.

In the context of global pandemic anxiety and the brutality of the lockdowns and accompanying rhetoric, a wise friend had me thinking about the value of narcissism. He stated that you have to take care of yourself even if it means treading on a few heads, because no one else is looking out for you. We have all had to deal with people who treat us as though we are a nuisance at best or with complete disregard; speaking rudely and condescendingly. You simply have to take the view that this rude person is actually beneath you, and is not to be accorded proper regard. However counter-intuitive it may seem, we can cultivate a sense of our own superiority as positive and nurturing. We may see ourselves as more intelligent, more perspicacious, more courageous, and so on, and know that this is the stand of the better person.

But hold on, is that any different from the baying wokesters? The defensive narcissist develops their position, better-informed, more thoughtful and considered. The defensive narcissist seeks to be a person of understanding and capacity for change because they know they are a better person.

The body positivity movement has attempted make so-called “fat-shaming” unacceptable. And while there can be some benefits to the fundamental idea of body positivity, it has, like other movements, been hijacked to suit the purposes of a small group of activists. But is fat-shaming necessarily always negative and destructive?

When I was a preteen I was fat. My nicknames were “puddin’” or “porky”. And yes, I was ashamed. It fitted with the image my family had created for me as the fat nerd – can’t run, swim, jump, throw, catch or kick a ball. Un-athletic, non-sporty. So when I was thirteen I decided to do something about being fat. A local soccer club had started and I thought this an ideal way to get fit and lose weight. And it worked. The bonus was that I also became a very good soccer player. I lost weight, I could run, jump, tackle, kick a ball, and do it really well. I gave myself a new nickname taken from a soccer star of the day. And a new image, named after that champion, quickly took shape. I was sporty, athletic, a very good player. This was defensive narcissism, a new self-image and identity, existing in contrast and opposition to the prevailing view. Sure, I was still a nerd, but a good soccer player too. This was a new self-image, and one of which I was inordinately proud. Unsurprisingly, a new image which obliterates the comfortable old one did not sit well with my family. Ultimately my parents torpedoed my soccer career; I had to be a nerd, fat or otherwise.

But things never return to how they have been. I was the sporty one who stood out in an otherwise unsporting family. My defensive narcissism had created a new image and even though my career was shortened I had a new image of my own capability that would stand me in good stead in years to come. It was also the first experience of creating a self-image completely independent of and in contrast to, family. Defensive narcissism had played a key role in breaking the bonds of a family straight-jacket.

So, narcissistic traits can have a positive side. They can help defend you against the world, and help you function better, or to achieve what might otherwise seem impossible. Many creative people are narcissistic, because it goes hand in hand with an obsession with succeed. For example, early Elvis before he became famous.

He knew he would be a star and despite innate shyness and numerous setbacks, he eventually proved to be an extraordinary talent – a musical and cultural phenomenon. Determination and self-belief were important, but also a sense that he was right. Presley can be seen as a narcissist, and his astonishing success would likely encourage this view. But before his success happened he already had an idealized self-image of a star. He also believed he’d become a famous actor. The virulent criticisms heaped upon him might have destroyed a lesser person but Presley was so strong in his image of himself as a star that he overcame many obstacles. His narcissism was positive, a spur to continue to strive for success, and also a defence against those who sought to bring him down. But as so often happens, that narcissism became corrupted and corrosive; his decline and fall is a well known story.

In Life Is Short, Dean Rickles states that narcissism can lead to grandiosity or inflation. But it can also be true that grandiosity may be a defence against an uncaring and callous world. He refers to parents over-idealizing their children, causing them to fail as they cannot live up to the perfect image. However, in an opposite situation, where the child is denigrated, a child may create a similar kind of self-image in order to protect itself from the depredations forced upon it. The danger in both instances is that the idealized image remains set in place and the child becomes an adult imprisoned by its self-created mythology. For many young people their defensive narcissism can be the means to and a necessary condition for survival. Rickles acknowledges that narcissism may be “…a defence reaction to trauma…to shield the real self from further attack”. He stresses that he sees this as a “false self”. Yet this construction can be seen not as one half of a binary: true self/false self, but as a process of keeping secret, or defending, what one values about oneself. To know that the self is too precious and complex to be conflated with the words and actions of those who wish us harm, and to create a self-image that is a counter-balance to the slings and arrows of a traumatic existence, is defensive narcissism.

We can use defensive narcissism against the likes of mainstream media, social media, family, political discourse and so on, all of which which pull issues and events into prefabricated narratives, and ourselves into preordained roles. Defensive narcissism can protect against societal trends to pathologize behaviours, such as controlling ADHD or depression through powerful prescription drugs. Defensive narcissism creates a degree of self-ideal that provides a barrier to a society that gaslights and marginalizes. It is a way to “toughen up, buttercup”. It gives us resoluteness, a shield, reinforcing our values as a bulwark against all that seeks to diminish or destroy us. Just don’t get trapped in your own version, as Narcissus did in the original story.

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